“When you stop expecting people to be perfect, you can like them for who they are.”
― Donald Miller
I love this quote! Why? Because, it reminds me that no one is perfect but yet, so often, we expect nothing less of perfection of ourselves, others or situations, which, not only is completely unrealistic but is also impossible!
The expectations we develop in life or about life, are closely linked to our beliefs. Expectations, like core values and beliefs, are formed through experiences, relationships, and other circumstances we have observed throughout our lives. As we grow, we learn certain attitudes and adopt certain beliefs related to different aspects of life.
For example, if you experienced a lot of loss and abandonment as a young child, you might struggle with the incapacity to form healthy attachments because your past has proven to you that people can't be trusted - they leave, they abandon, or are unavailable emotionally. You might even internalize this as a belief in a way that leaves you feeling like you are the problem and the reason for the breakdown in relationships.
Based on these experiences and your own interpretation of these experiences, you might develop a strong fear of abandonment. You may have learned to not trust anyone because the people you did trust and loved the most, left. Later in life, this may affect your ability to form trusting and intimate relationships because of this fear of abandonment. See how the past influences the way we perceive life today? Further, do you notice how these perceptions of life, formed through experience, might influence your beliefs?
These same beliefs about relationships, consequently, are likely responsible for the expectations we set for ourselves in and for all of our future relationships. We become very critical of ourselves, the degree to which we settle for nothing less than perfect (perfectionism), often setting ourselves up to fail. Or, we develop an intolerance for imperfections in others. We become closed-minded; we take a mindless approach to life. All of this is happening at a subconscious level, but it influences our behaviour and every conscious decision we make. Our experiences shape the way we think and what we believe about life.
None of this is our fault. As humans, we have an innate ability to adopt coping mechanisms (be it setting strict boundaries, putting up emotional barriers, or avoiding certain situations altogether) to survive... We all do it.
We might believe that the ideal job, perfect relationship, or a big bank account will help us achieve happiness, but in all reality, this type of happiness is temporary at best. Our expectations are really good at tricking our minds into believing that these types goals (seeking external happiness) will bring us much more joy than they actually do, and as such, we often find ourselves wallowing in anger and frustration. And when those unfulfilled expectations involve the failure of others around you who don't behave in the way you want them to, the disappointment often becomes resentment. Resentment over time ruins relationships.
Our expectations can get the better of us, especially when we expect more than what is realistic in any given situation. We might expect that our partners live up to what we see in the movies, or that we move up the corporate ladder quickly, or that our lives match up to our seemingly rich neighbours. The expectations we set for ourselves and others can cause us great stress when they don't match up to reality.
The seemingly beautiful life a friend appears to have on social media is but one snapshot of a brief moment in time. This snapshot doesn't represent every other moment in their life. I too have to remind myself of this because otherwise, I question myself, my life, my happiness. Then I remember that I actually have a pretty damn good life! I worked for it, and continue to strive for happiness through mindfulness and gratitude.
Also worth noting is that every relationship comes with expectations. Every commitment we make to someone, intimate or not, usually involves expectations. The issue begins when our expectations don't match up with the expectations of the other person in the relationship. If expectations are selfish and self-centered, here comes trouble! If expectations are not clearly articulated about a certain arrangement in the relationship, oops! Not good! Any assumptions we make within the context of a relationship, if they are unrealistic (unlikely to be met because they are impossible to achieve) or if they are not discussed and negotiated, will leave us feeling largely disappointed.
That said, expectations aren’t all bad. Expecting the best of something or in a relationship is not a bad thing. In fact, we need hope in life to find happiness. Without hope, all is lost. We need to envision the ideal situation or relationship because doing so allows us to strive for something, or motivates us toward a specific goal. And goals are good! When we stop hoping, we lose so much of ourselves. The key is to keep expectations realistic and to communicate them.
Two words to remember: Mindfulness and awareness. A great place to begin in addressing unrealistic expectations is to become more mindful and aware of them. What do you expect in relationships? In a situation? In life? Get to know what your expectations are. Acknowledge them, accept them, evaluate them to determine if they are realistic or not, and if not, let them go!
When something happens and is not what you expected, acknowledge your disappointment, actively look for the positive in the situation and let go of the rest. Appreciate what you do have. Gratitude is a powerful approach toward inner happiness. Finally, communicate your expectations. Too often our expectations are unstated meaning, only we know what they are. Things left unsaid create room for disappointment. If you are expecting something from someone, you need to tell them.
Healthy expectations are realistic and reasonable. They are respectful, fair, compassionate, and flexible. They are not controlling, manipulative, or impossible. As we strive to become more mindful in our lives and in our relationships, we must actively look for and recognize the expectations we set and critically examine whether or not they serve us.
If this resonates with you or if you have any questions, I encourage you to leave a comment below...
Perfectly imperfect,
Stephanie
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