Most of us would jump to this question and likely respond with, "Absolutely, my reality is real..." What if, contrary to your initial belief, your reality isn't universally real? What if it's a unique construct, deeply personal to you, but fundamentally different from the realities experienced by others?
Let's entertain a different perspective for a moment – one that challenges the assumption that your reality is real. Here's the thing, reality is a very subjective experience.
Ok.... When we encounter a situation or interpret an event, it's filtered through our individual lens of perception - I call this, our internal representation of the world. This lens or perspective is shaped by our life experiences, beliefs, values, and emotions. It's like a pair of tinted glasses through which we view the world.
Now, imagine everyone around you wearing their own unique pair of these tinted glasses. Each person sees the world through their particular lens, influenced by their personal history and inner landscape. As a result, their reality may diverge significantly from yours. We all see things from different perspectives, which in turn affects our emotions about what happened.
Make sense?
The idea of a single, objective reality becomes complex. While there may be an external world with objective events, our perception of it is inherently personal. It's influenced by the intricate interplay of our senses, beliefs, emotions, thoughts, and past experiences.
So, when we claim that our reality is real, we're not denying the validity of our personal experiences. Instead, we're acknowledging that our perception of reality is a deeply individual and subjective phenomenon. What's real to you, may and is likely not the same as what's real to someone else. I know that this sounds obvious, but you'd be surprised to learn that the majority of arguments, disagreements, and issues among people are the lack of appreciation for the diversity in perspectives.
Before I continue, I think it is important to delve a little bit into what I mean by the 'internal representation of the world.' This is a fairly new concept to people who are just starting to understand and practice mindfulness.
Ok, so, it all begins from the day we're born. As infants, our primary task is to survive and make sense of the world. We instinctively seek safety, belonging, and understanding of our existence. However, we are not born into a blank slate; we inherit pre-existing notions of how the world operates from our caregivers, and they inherit them from their predecessors.
As infants, we lack control over the information entering our brains or the ability to make sense of it, let alone have the ability to make conscious decisions. So, we learn from and trust our surroundings and the people in our lives.
During our formative years, we are taught that there are specific ways to do things because our role as children is to understand the world and its rules. We grasp the boundaries and dynamics of our home, our family roles, and our place in the broader community and society. The world appears mysterious because, as children, we often lack the understanding of why things happen the way they do. We learn through experience and observations, and then, we assimilate these experiences into our minds to make sense of them. We are meaning-making beings!
Some of these experiences are positive, and others, not so much. In both cases, we take these experiences and unconsciously develop beliefs about ourselves and the world. Once we establish a framework for survival, belonging, and understanding, it becomes the foundation for how we approach the rest of our lives. This is where is where coping mechanisms stem from.
As children, we observe our parents' decisions and actions and assume they know what they're doing. We internalize their approval and disapproval of specific behaviors, a critical aspect of our survival and belonging needs. Attention hinges on our behavior.
These internal representations can take various forms, like images, sounds, feelings, tastes, smells, and self-talk. They often manifest as thoughts, influencing how we view and feel about ourselves, others, and the world. These representations act as filters, coloring our perceptions and experiences.
We take external experiences and store them as memories for future reference. After years of life experiences, our unconscious minds develop a filtering process that processes information and draws conclusions. We form beliefs, feelings, and values, which shape our understanding of how the world "is." All these elements amalgamate to create our internal representation of the world, influencing our perceptions and choices.
When faced with new experiences, our minds will dig in and retrieve relevant memories to guide us in navigating our current experiences. This mechanism is incredibly useful because it helps us stay safe, such as stopping at a curb before crossing the road to ensure it's safe. Our past experiences generate generalizations about the world. This process allows us to live our lives without constantly relearning how things work.
Can you imagine having to relearn to walk every day? OOF! Our brain is designed in a way that allows us to automate certain behaviour so we can continue to take in new information, which is then assimilated into new memories. Are you following?
We all have experiences and relationships that impact us, leaving imprints on our minds. How we relate to past experiences significantly affects our present experiences and self-perceptions. When we encounter something today, our internal filters compare it to past memories, shaping how we respond or react.
Childhood traumas create lasting impressions on our unconscious minds, influencing our relationships with ourselves and with others in adulthood. For example, if you were constantly rejected as a child, you may learn that the world can't handle you and unconsciously, you will base all of your interactions, relationships, and decisions on this belief, as such, you may find yourself sabotaging all of your relationships because unconsciously, you don't trust people to accept you as you are. So your relational experiences will be clouded by this belief - without you even being aware of it. It all becomes the tint through which we see the world.
How does all of this translate into real life? Here are a few examples:
Fear of Public Speaking: Imagine someone who had a traumatic experience with public speaking during childhood. Perhaps they were ridiculed or embarrassed in front of their classmates. This negative experience becomes encoded in their internal representation. As an adult, when they're faced with a presentation at work, their internal representation may trigger anxiety and fear, influencing their behavior and performance.
Relationship Dynamics: Consider a person who grew up in a household with parents who had a turbulent and unhealthy relationship. They may develop an internal representation of relationships as tumultuous and full of conflict. Consequently, in their adult relationships, they might unconsciously replicate similar patterns of behavior, expecting and even contributing to conflict and discord. Or they may continuously avoid speaking up or put their needs aside to avoid confrontation.
Self-Esteem: A child who consistently receives praise and positive reinforcement from their caregivers may develop a strong internal representation of high self-esteem. This positive self-image can lead them to pursue ambitious goals and handle setbacks with resilience, as they believe in their capabilities.
Prejudices and Stereotypes: Society's biases and prejudices can become part of our internal representation. For example, if someone grows up in an environment where certain racial or cultural stereotypes are prevalent, they might unconsciously hold these biases, impacting their interactions and judgments of others.
Risk Aversion: If someone experiences a traumatic event related to risk-taking or adventure during their formative years, they may develop an internal representation that associates risk with danger. As adults, they might avoid taking even calculated risks, missing out on opportunities for personal or professional growth. If someone is taught to "play it safe", and that risks are not safe, they will not pursue any risky business or pursuits.
Parenting Styles: Individuals often emulate the parenting styles they were raised with. Someone who was brought up in a strict and authoritarian household may adopt similar parenting strategies, believing it's the "right" way to raise children, even if it doesn't align with their own values or the needs of their children. The way we experience the world is often infused with our parenting style. We bring to the relationship a specific perspective, and the child, not having had the same experience, brings another perspective and this creates chaos at times because neither the parent nor the child feels understood.
Career Choices: Childhood influences can shape career choices. For instance, if a person's family has a tradition of working in a particular profession, such as medicine or law, they may feel compelled to follow that path, even if their true passion lies elsewhere, due to the internal representation of familial expectations. Often this leads to unhappiness because a person may feel tremendous sadness for not pursuing a career that is meaningful to them or shame when they deviate from the expectations bestowed upon them.
Perception of Success: A person's definition of success is often influenced by their upbringing and cultural background. Someone raised in an environment that prioritizes financial wealth as the ultimate success metric may continuously chase material gains while neglecting other aspects of life that could bring fulfillment.
What does all of this have to do with perceptions and reality? Here it is...
Understanding these concepts is crucial for mindful living. Perception isn't reality; it's a subjective version of the truth. As you have learned by now, we perceive based on our beliefs and past experiences. And when we understand this, we can begin to open our minds to accepting that our reality is based solely on perceptions. We can begin to examine our own internal biases and beliefs, and we can open our minds to begin seeing with the heart.
In essence, seeing with the heart is about seeking to understand. This awareness can serve as a key to unlocking our minds to accept alternative truths, even when they diverge from our own. Embracing mindfulness entails expanding our capacity to "perceive" beyond the confines of our eyes.
But isn't seeing, believing? Hmmm.... not really.
From the moment we are born, we instinctively adopt the skill of seeing through our eyes, which encompass our five senses. Our existence revolves around learning, adapting, and surviving through these senses. We gather knowledge by observing, doing, and experiencing life. It's through our eyes that we absorb the essence of survival.
The Greek term "Thea" refers to unexamined observation. When we exclusively "see" through our eyes, we engage in a thoughtless approach to life. We rely on visual observations to interpret our experiences, accepting them at face value as truth. In essence, we formulate assumptions based solely on what our eyes perceive.
On the other hand, seeing through reasoning is a skill cultivated from childhood into adulthood, often nurtured in academic settings. Reasoning revolves around the pursuit of truth, albeit a challenging endeavor both in theory and practice.
When we "see" through reasoning, we embrace an intellectual approach to life. While this approach isn't flawed, it can be limiting, because it's rooted in our personal experiences and beliefs. While we observe and draw conclusions from our observations, these deductions may inadvertently exclude vital clues to other perspectives. Truth, from this vantage point, remains inherently subjective to our deductions.
Finally, there's the notion of seeing with the heart. Antoine de Saint-Exupéry eloquently remarked, "It is only with the heart that one can see rightly, for what is essential is invisible to the eye." Seeing with the heart entails perceiving without preconceived judgments.
When we "see" with the heart, our aim is to seek to understand – understanding our own truths and the truths of others without casting judgment. It's when we embrace imperfections within ourselves and others that we learn the art of unconditional acceptance.
Viewing the world through the heart reveals reality in its unfiltered state, and when we generously share this way of seeing with others, whether intimately or through friendship, we often uncover profound truths. The motives for seeing determine the ways we perceive.
As we cultivate mindfulness in our perception, we become more receptive to various experiences and strive to comprehend different viewpoints. We heighten our awareness of our impact on those around us, leading to a transformation in how we perceive ourselves, others, and the experiences life presents. In this introspective journey, we come to realize that our problems may not be as overwhelming as they initially appear. It's the shift in perspective that becomes the catalyst for profound change.
This realization invites us to embrace diversity in perspectives, fostering empathy and understanding in our interactions with others. It encourages us to be open-minded and receptive to the richness of different realities that coexist in our interconnected world. It opens us to the realization that what we see and feel as a result of something, a situation, an experience, whatever, is deeply personal and yet, not universally real.
Seeking to understand within the realm of parenting lays the foundation for more profound connections between parents and children. When parents make a conscious effort to understand their children's unique perspectives, it creates an environment where trust and open communication thrive. This newfound understanding allows children to express their thoughts and feelings without fear of judgment, forging a stronger emotional bond.
By fostering an environment where children feel free to express their beliefs, opinions, and personalities, parents empower them to embrace their true selves. This acceptance not only strengthens the parent-child relationship but also nurtures children's self-esteem and self-confidence.
Parenting is not just about guiding children but also about mutual growth. When parents and children engage in open, empathetic conversations and strive to understand each other's unique viewpoints, both parties learn and evolve together. Parents can share their life experiences and wisdom while also being receptive to the fresh insights and perspectives their children bring into their lives.
In the workplace, the theme of seeking to understand transforms employee interactions. When colleagues actively seek to understand each other's viewpoints, it fosters more effective communication. Team members become more willing to listen, express themselves clearly, and find common ground, enhancing collaboration and productivity.
Understanding that coworkers may have different perspectives on tasks, deadlines, and work culture encourages employees to adapt their communication styles. For instance, an employee might recognize that a coworker prefers detailed instructions, while another thrives on autonomy. Adapting to these individual preferences leads to smoother collaborations and more harmonious teamwork.
And, it promotes a workplace culture of inclusivity and respect. This acceptance allows individuals to be their authentic selves, expressing their beliefs and values without fear of judgment. It creates an environment where diversity is not only acknowledged but also celebrated, fostering creativity and innovation.
And finally, leaders who embody the skill of seeking to understand can lead more effectively. By recognizing and empathizing with the unique perspectives of their team members, they inspire higher performance and commitment. Leaders who tailor their approach to the individual needs and viewpoints of their team can create a more motivated and engaged workforce.
In doing so, leaders empower them to contribute their unique strengths and innovative ideas. In an inclusive environment where every voice is valued, creativity flourishes, and creative problem-solving becomes the norm.
As we all know, conflicts are an inevitable part of any team, but leaders who actively seek to understand can navigate these conflicts more skillfully. By helping team members understand and empathize with each other's viewpoints, leaders foster more harmonious working relationships and resolve disputes effectively.
As I write the final words of this post (I think this is my longest one yet!), I believe it's important to reiterate the message that effort and the commitment to seeking understanding (seeing with the heart) are pivotal in both our personal lives and our interactions with others.
Through it all, in your effort to see with the heart, remain authentic. Perfection is an unrealistic standard, but making a sincere effort to understand and connect with others is a hallmark of genuine authenticity. It's a testament to our willingness to engage wholeheartedly, imperfections and all.
Commit to being better. The commitment to seeking understanding isn't a destination; it's a continuous journey of personal growth. It involves self-awareness, empathy, and an open heart. This commitment challenges us to evolve into more compassionate, patient, and accepting individuals. It's through this journey that we not only enrich our own lives but also contribute to the betterment of the world around us.
And finally, build trust, communicate more effectively, and navigate conflicts with grace. By embracing this commitment, we foster healthier connections with those we care about, ultimately creating a more harmonious and empathetic world.
It's a commitment we make to ourselves and others, a practice that enriches our lives, and a testament to the power of empathy and human connection. It's a reminder that our imperfections are what make us beautifully human, and our efforts to understand each other are what make our journey together worthwhile.
Perfectly imperfect,
S
#mindfulness, #self-awareness, #leadership, #mindfulparenting, #seektounderstand
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